Here is a fact. Relationships are not without conflicts from time to time. It is inevitable when two different people have agreed to live the rest of their lives together, going through life happenings daily. Therefore going through the conflicts is not the problem. Instead, not knowing how to resolve them or allowing them to escalate becomes the issue. As they say “Creating a mountain out of a molehill” So I decided to compile some ways I believe are worthwhile in resolving pesky conflicts. They come up like weeds in the garden that is our married life. Also, you need to understand that if your goal is to fix. You will find a way out. But, if it is not…then, nothing will work for you.
1. Be unselfish
During disputes that are inevitable like I mentioned earlier. You need to first and foremost be UNSELFISH. Meaning, try to think of your partner first. In doing so, you put your self in your partner shoes. It allows you to feel what he or she is feeling. To understand why they acted out the way they did and what your involvement contributed to the situation.
More often than not, we think of ourselves alone. We feel the need to justify our hurt and go on a blame journey of the other person. For example, we start thinking, “Why did she have to insult me that way” or “Why did he have to raise his voice in such a manner”. So we lose sight of what is important and end up focusing on the problem and not the solution. Then we realise that days have passed and no move has been made by either to better the situation. So the next time you get into a disagreement try being unselfish.
2. Think happy thoughts
I say this because it is crucial to have a positive mindset when you are going through something not so good. It is so easy to wallow in self-pity and stay in a bad state of mind when you feel sad. Or when things are not going too well. But there is a power in being able to get hold of happy times. You can read the post on the Power of positivity here to understand what I mean better. Now, this should not be a means of distraction to deflect from the actual situation. It is to serve as a means of light and positivity when you need to confront the problem. It helps you to approach your partner in a happier mood. Bottom-line is, do not stay angry.
3. Forgive and forget
Try to. There is a saying “when you forgive, you forget”. Because when something happens and you let go of the resentment in your heart. You understand that confronting the situation becomes unnecessary. Of course, there are times we need to handle situations because of their gravity. To iron things out. But other times you have to learn to let the little things go.
4. Communicate to be understood
Communicate to be heard and not to prove a point or to win an argument. We always almost end up wanting to get points when combating in a brawl with words. As if it were a game where we subconsciously announce ourselves the winner at the end. So when we speak, we talk to prove how right we are or how wrong our partner was or is. Only listening to look for faults or weaknesses that would make our standing arguments stronger.
Failing to communicate our feelings and emotions during the conflicts. We do not say we feel hurt. Or that things could have been said or done a little differently or nicely. We tend to point out how the other person was rude or loud. Guess what? Your partner automatically becomes defensive. So next time try speaking to be heard and understood and not to win a fictional battle.
5. Say Yes
I mean it. There was a movie I watched once. The main character, Jim Carrey, was a yes man. He got into saying yes after attending a motivational conference that promised that saying yes to everything will change his life for the better. Thinking of the movie, I realised that it did convey something vital with us. Which is life does get better when you learn to yes and agree more. Sometimes when in an argument agreeing with your partner allows the situation to dissipate quicker. Typically, all people want is a listening ear. So when you let your partner air out their problems, It becomes more than half solved. Remember the goal here is to listen and agree even when you disagree. In the long run, it might be better for the situation than trying to prove a point.
6. Leave it for tomorrow
Solving some issues require a bit of trickery and wisdom. I find this works all the time. Henceforth, when you are having a problem with your significant other. Put off the confrontation for the next day. You have to be careful not to sulk and brood over it throughout the day though. Try to be at ease. What does this do? Well, it allows you to think about the situation. You get to make a better judgement. More importantly, get to decide whether to pursue the issue at all. The thing is if the matter is trivial, you wake up the next day knowing it is not worth the fight. If it is more serious, you are in a clearer headspace than you were before. Therefore, you are more likely to resolve the issue than escalate it.
At the end always remember that the person should mean more to you than any friction that might arise and whenever you need help do not hesitate to seek it. Ultimately, anything worth having is worth fighting for.
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